I haven’t written much about my Anxiety of late and this is because, strangely, it’s not been a big part of my life lately.
It seems strange saying that after nearly two years of it ruling my life but that’s where I am at the moment. I think about it a lot but it doesn’t command me as much as it did just a few weeks ago.
I do wonder why this is and I think it’s because I have learned to live with it a bit more. I have been in some horrible situations and it hasn’t flared up like it could have. I am coping with it better. I am telling myself that if it comes I have to work through it.
I don’t forget the times when it crippled me so much that I couldn’t leave my bed never mind my house. In fact, these are the times that keep me going, that remind me how much I have improved and how hard I have fought to live my life again.
I am working full time in my job, I have a busy social life, I am studying both in work and out. I can go most places without having to take extra medications. I am doing things for myself again. I am problem solving.
Problem solving might seem like a strange one but when you are suffering so badly from Anxiety then your brain doesn’t work and anyone reading this who suffers or has suffered from Anxiety will understand that. You don’t want to think about things. You don’t want to try and find answers to issues. You just want it all to go away. You don’t want to think. It doesn’t matter if it’s deciding what’s for tea or paying off a debt, when you suffer from Anxiety you just want someone else to make the decision. To take control. You don’t want to know about it. You just don’t want to be the person who everyone is looking at to decide.
I am currently in the process of trying to find a new place to live. I have also just been through a huge emotional time. When going through that emotional period, and it’s still ongoing, I was expecting the Anxiety to flare up and floor me. It hasn’t. I don’t think this is down to any medication, because I haven’t been taking anything extra, I simply think it’s just me coping better and also knowing how to cope. Rather than taking it as a knock on life, using it to make me a person who can cope with problems.
As for moving house. While it has my head spinning it hasn’t made me overly Anxious. It hasn’t caused me a panic attack and I am about to go for attempt number three on a property I want yet I am very in control of myself.
I don’t put this down to medications. I have been on the same meds since December 2014, the same dose, the lot and for nine months they didn’t really help me. Yet…I don’t want to come off them.
In recent months I have got back into work. I am not having plunging Anxiety attacks. I have began socialising again. My football buddies mean so much to me. Having a laugh at the football means so much to me and people who I don’t know other than being from the football have such a huge importance in my life. I have picked up a course I wanted to do. I have decided to move house. My life is moving on and that damned nine months which brought me down is in the past, finally.
I rarely take my “as required” medications. Lucky that as my GP surgery has taken me off one without discussion about it. Yet my surgery has kittens about me requesting another drug, not for Anxiety, because they haven’t seen me in a month but that drug is not as important as the one they have taken me off without discussion. Don’t get me started on the NHS in Scotland. That’s a whole other blog!
I’m not daft though. I know this is a good time and I am coping well with tough and stressful situations. I also know that this can change in a literal snap of the fingers. In a weeks time I could be in my bed crippled and unable to get out, that’s the nature of Anxiety.