The Wasp

Well, there it is, the title all but gives it away. This is a blog about a wasp.

Pesky little blighters they are. None so much as having one enter your sleeping space at four am when you’re not feeling well.

This is what happened the other night. I have been suffering from a cold, no, not COVID, a cold, with a sore throat but still just a cold.

I’d been in my bed from six at night and woke at four in the morning. Got up, went for a pee, came back and decided to sit on the edge of the bed and read for ten minutes.

In my room I have bedside lamps and an uplighter beside the little sofa. All were on because when I’m not feeling well I don’t like the dark. Maybe incase death claims me, maybe it’s just comforting, I don’t know.

This particular night though, the window was still open. It was stuffy inside so the kind, gentle air from outside was indeed, a blessing.

So, there I am, sitting on the edge of the bed with my glasses on getting stuck into a chapter of the book I’m reading when I hear the noise of something battering off the window, like a moth. Not a moth, no, because they are harmless really. Instead, I look up to see a wasp battering it’s way through the closed blind now. They don’t take any prisoners either, in they elbow their way. Boy, was this fella angry.

He buzzed about all over the ceiling for a bit, around the top of the uplighter, around the top the curtains I don’t close (ooh, decorative) and landed somewhere near the pile of books I have to give back to the library soon now they’ve annouced their fine amnesty. Not that they were going to fine anyone anyway but this is just so they can recoup come of the books, probably many thousands in the city, that went out for loan last March and they haven’t seen since.

Anyway, the next two hours were tense because I wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to tuck back into bed and because El Waspo was still around. He was taking rests for a few minutes here and there before zzzzzing around to a new location. The only saving grace was he hadn’t yet spotted me and was sticking to the side of the room with the uplighter, which was where I wanted him to go.

There comes a point though, when you need to challenge. I had been back lying on my specially laid out pillows for being upright when feeling unwell, you know, the arrangement you want to be in if the family suddenly needs to sit by the bedside, when the wasp got its closest.

NOPE. So, armed with a can of Deep Heat and a rolled up Take-a-Break magazine it was time to take action.

It had landed on the light fitting for the ceiling light which is bizarre, I never have that on but maybe it was visiting the place of death of its ancestors, and I can confirm it was in the right place. I started the SSSSSSHHHSSSSHHHHSSSHHHSSSHHHH of sending Deep Heat its way. It worked! The wasp went absolutely bonkers and headed for the uplighter. Yay!

If I thought that was that, I was wrong. The uplighter couldn’t hold this turbo wasp for long and he was back out ready for a fight so SSSSSHSHSHSHSHSHSSSSSSSSHHHHSHSHSH, more Deep Heat and FINALLY it dropped in front of the TV, I whacked it with the magazine and felt a sigh of relief.

Until it went airborne again! The RAF of wasps!

By this time my face was stinging because of the Deep Heat in the air, my eyes were watering. It had basically come down to me or it. And people will laugh. Well, put yourself in the same situation.

I hauled up the blinds, one of the strings immediately pinged out the holder causing one side to collapse down again. Thanks, inept designers. The wasp made his way to the window and buzzed about here and there. There I began the Dance of the Magazine because Sir Sting-a-Lot would not be hit. I landed several blows, I’m sure, but he fended them off.

Then finally, with a roar of FUCKING DIE that echoed around the neighbourhood, I got the final shot in and then flicked him out the window.

The End